Objektiv Article

(Andrej Brstovšek) Če enkrat v življenju zadaneš na loteriji, je to čisto dovolj. Objektiv 3.april, 2010

English text:

It was last Saturday, on a peaceful Saturday afternoon in the state of New Jersey, that Zora learned to ride a bike. Learning on a street where there are more squirrels than passing cars, she only needed help with starting. If she had a problem she yelled:”Who is going to hold me, Ochi, Papi?”  to Christian and Marijan.

She calls Christian “Ochi” and Marijan “Papi”. They adopted Zora right after she was born on January 5th 2005. It was their next move that brought them into spotlight in Slovenia: they wanted  that Slovene legal system recognizes their American adoption, thus making Zora a Slovenian citizen, and Christian and Marijan first gay couple with legally recognized adoption in the country. We talked to them shortly after their big victory in the Supreme court.

You did not give any interviews before your final victory in court. Why?

C: We did not want to expose ourselves in a sensationalistic way. We did not want give an impression that we are trying to influence court's decision through media. 

Did you have any idea of what it was going to take to get the adoption legally recognized in Slovenia?

C: Not at the beginning. We are Slovenian citizens, we have our home there,  and we'll go to live back there, so we wanted to protect Zora's interests with making her a Slovenian citizen. When we started to look for possibilities to get the adoption recognized in Slovenia, we met our future lawyer Ursa Chitrakar, that was just visiting New York. She let us know that our case will probably be a landmark case, so it will most likely take a lot of time and will power to win it. 

M: We just wanted to get Zora registered with Registry of births. If we weren't successful in Slovenia we would probably had gone to European court.

Where did you find out about court's decision?

In the US. Two weeks earlier when Zora had winter recess in her school, we were in Slovenia on holiday. At the time we were waiting for the news regarding court's decision not knowing it was coming shortly. A week after returning to the US, our lawyer informed us that she'd received a copy of Supreme court decision. Supreme court upheld district court decision that recognized our adoption.

You have opened a door for all the couples with similar wishes. Do they seek you out for advice?

C: No, not at all. Everything is still fresh. Besides, we would like to keep a certain degree of privacy. That is why our last names are not known. But if anyone would need help or information, we would gladly help, as we think it would be in interest of human rights protection.

The beginning of the story goes back 25 years, when you decided to move to the US.

M: 25 years ago I was offered a job in architecture that I accepted. I stayed for a year, and then another year...

C: We were a couple in Slovenia already. In April we will have our 30th anniversary. Our relationship was no secret in Ljubljana. Looking at current events in Slovenia, I think that our environment was more tolerant to such relationships before we moved to US. As Marijan was deciding whether to stay in the US his brother in law offered me a job in the same company, as he wanted to keep Marijan. We have been living in New Jersey since then. We have a registered partnership and 19 years ago also bought a house there. 

Adopting a child is an important decision. How did you come upon this decision?

C: We wanted to offer someone a better life and enrich ours. At first we were not sure about it, we thought of it as too complicated. Then we met, through mutual friend, a gay couple that successfully adopted. It turned out not to be such a complicated thing. Therefore we decided to go for it. We chose a private adoption. You still have to go through all the necessary process with social services, but you seek potential mothers with help of private adviser. It gives you a better chance of getting a new born; That is not the reason we chose private adoption, but it is easier to raise a child from its birth.

How much time had passed from when you made the decision to adopt to actually adopting Zora?

Together: Nine months!

C: No exaggeration. From making a decision, all the process with social services and to Zora's birth it was 9 months. After meeting a lot of people with different outlooks on life, we met in August 2004 a potential mother. She was pregnant, 18 years old, she already had a 2 year old. Her father died in car accident. She was to give birth on 24th December 2004. Two days prior to that date we flew into Arizona, as we agreed that we would be there for the birth of the child and would immediately assume all parental rights. We got the newborn into our hands shortly after she was born, we received the imprints of her feet, visited her, but on the third day a social worker informed us that the mother changed her mind. At that moment the world fell apart for us. We thanked the family anyway. The night in Tuscon that we waited for the plane was the longest and saddest night in our lives. 

On January 1st our adoption specialist called us and asked us if we are going to keep on looking. We were in agony but we decided to pursue the matter further. Shortly after she called us again and said she found a new mother. The couple that was to adopt her child changed their mind when they found out that the father of the child was black. That was not an issues with us, nor it was the sex of the child. Adoption specialist fedexed our profile to the mother, who was Native American. Afterwards we called her and she said she did not any objections to us being a gay couple. She considered it an advantage as she will therefore always be child's mother. We agreed to an open adoption – an adoption where adopted child keeps certain contact with biological parents. Scheduled birth was at the of January but the doctors said it might happen sooner. On January 5th at 3 am we received a call and boarded the fist flight to Phoenix. We rushed to the hospital and found the mother. As soon as we stepped into her room we saw a beautiful baby girl. Mother said to us: “here is your child.” We are taking care of Zora from her first day on. Even today she prefers the story of how we went to get her as her good night story. 

What about her father?

C: He learned of Zora a year after she was born.

M: We helped the mother the best way we could. There are strict regulations regarding this. Child trafficking is against the law, so you are very limited in offering a financial help to the mother. You can pay for certain things, for example her rent or medical costs, but all has to be approved by the lawyer, who checks that everything is in accordance with the law. The money does not go directly to the mother but to the person she owes it to. 

Was it coincidence that both mothers were from Arizona?

C: Yes. Arizona has a law that allows mother to change her mind in 3 days. There are only five states with such provision. In California for example the mother can change her mind in the course of one year. Shorter deadline makes things easier. 

M: Arizona is one of the states with a high adoption rate. Mexico is close by and there is also a strong Catholic influence so there are fewer adoptions.

How do you cope with fatherhood?

C: Zora had jaundice right after birth so they kept her in hospital for a few days. Hospital employees gave us an intense crash course. They were really helpful. When mother came to say goodbye to Zora it was very emotional. But she said she knew Zora is going to be ok as she was in good hands. After that we went  to the airport and had nothing but positive experience from then on. The pilot announced that there is a newborn on the plane and gave her pilot wings so she will have a memory of her first flight. 

How does that go together with the image of conservative America?

M: Conservative, liberal, whatever... but it is not narrow-minded.

C: We had nothing but positive experience in the city that we live in. And we are the only gay couple in the neighborhood. They all want the best for us. Unfortunately we were not able to have Zora baptized in the Slovenian church. But I vaguely knew a Roman Catholic priest in New Jersey and I gave him a call: “Father Jim, we adopted a daughter, we would like to have her baptized, we are both Roman Catholic, but we do not go to church, and we are a gay couple.” He repeated everything and said: “What seems to be the problem?”. We knew at once that he is the right one for the job. 

What was the role of social services?

C: They check everything even before the adoption: financial standing of all family members (nanny included), and they check for criminal records. They made announced and unannounced visits, they checked the state the child was in, raising environment, etc. This lasted for a year, until adoption was final in the court. 

Does she want to see her mother?

M: She has constant contacts with her mother. We send her photos, and talk to her on the phone once a week or two weeks. Zora also has two step sisters and she talks to them as well. But so far she has never said that she would like to see them. She asks about her mother from time to time, especially when they talk about it in school. People in her school are exceptional. Teachers always explain her the situation so she would not have any traumatic experiences. 

One of the leading arguments against gay couples adopting is that a child needs a mother.

C: A child needs love, understanding and respect.

M: Of course a child also need a parent that is more strict and a parent that spoils her a bit (smile). 

What if she ever wants to meet her father?

C: We won't have any objections to her being in contact with him, if she wants to. She will be completely free to make her own decisions, when old enough. We are raising her so that she always knows that she has a mommy, two sisters, etc. We do not hide from her her biological family.

Does she want a brother or a sister?

C: She does not mention it. But if her mother were to give a birth to another child and would give it for adoption we would adopt it without a second thought. Having a child is the biggest gift and this experience profoundly changed our lives. But we are not actively looking for another child.

Puberty is a difficult period in child's life. How are you preparing for it and for her being teased from other peers?

C: No parents knows in advance how their child will act in puberty. You have to solve such problems as they arise. We are not thinking about it. When the time comes we will act in a way that we'll deem to be the best for Zora and her interests. We hope that given all the experience she will have until then that she will completely trust us and we will solve this issues together. As for the teasing and bullying by her peers, I think she will be able to deal with it. We are raising her in spirit of human values and I am sure she will be well equipped to respond in an appropriate way. We are also sure that she will have positive self image and won't let other people define who she is. 

M: I would like to add that in my opinion the objections people have towards different types of families will with time become disappear. Society will accept sch families and such issues won't be even relevant then.

How do people respond to you when you visit Slovenia?

M:  A lot of people in Ljubljana and Piran know Zora. Even though we come to Piran once every 6 months they all remember her. In a bar next to our house there is even a photo of here.

C: We only have positive experiences. I do not know, if it is luck... But I must that we are really shocked by the discussion in Parliament regarding the new Family law. We didnt expect such primitive commentaries, irrelevant researches, etc...